mina's microcosm

Tolerance Level Test (Just for You Two)

I don’t know how to start writing what I really want to write. I can never say this face to face so I’m trying to communicate with you what I really want to say but never had the guts to say.

I don’t want to celebrate my birthday. No, it’s more like, I feel like I lost my right to celebrate my birthday.

Last year, I said “Walang children’s party, next year na lang.” I don’t remember why I said that but it might be partly because I’m already acknowledging my uselessness. But I know I shouldn’t have said the last part. There’s no guarantee that I’ll be a bit more worthy “next year”.

And really, I am not.

I failed to finish my degree with an extra sem. I had to be in residency status this sem.  To quote my dad, “Anim na taon mo tatapusin yang Education?” And of course, my cynic brain automatically translates that into “Whose money do you think you’re using, you piece of shit?” (My logical brain says that my dad can never say that but I have to be a bit hard on myself.)

Gone was the idealist who said she’ll have a license by the age of 21 and will start a graduate degree at 23. But why was a useless shut-in turn up in her place?

Useless. Worthless. Gutless. Crappy. Piece of Shit.  There are days I can hardly even look at my parents’ eyes. How come? I feel guilty. Two decades. I was given two decades (and a year) and what did I accomplish? Nothing. Not one thing worth mentioning.

Years ago, I could still ask my parents to allow me to celebrate my birthday with you. I could still make a small part of me believe that those fireworks are for me. I could still ask for small gifts from my family. I could still look forward to our New Year’s Day lunch with our relatives. That was years ago.

Don’t get me wrong. I like being with you guys. I know that they will allow me to do those things this year. Actually my mom asked me if I’ll invite you guys on my birthday earlier this month. I am the one who said I would not. I do not want to back down on my words. I still do have my pride.

Mimi, you mentioned that “sana di na lang ako nangako last year.” Yeah. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry about that. And I even said “I do not want to back down on my words” just a bit earlier. Let me correct that. I do not want to back down on my words I said to my parents. Not anymore. I have already let them down so much. I feel much more guilt towards them than towards you two (and the rest). I apologize for the comparison.

I’m really sorry. Such a little issue and I’m blowing it up. Sorry I really just want to say this. I wanted to leave my apology on canceling the children’s party at those witless comments at plurk but I got hurt a bit on one of your comments. It’s not even a comment. It’s just an emoticon. It was that GTFO meme. I know you don’t intend it to mean that way. I know that it’s just a joke. I’m really sorry for getting hurt on that. And I’m sorry for resorting on this instead of directly saying it to you. But I really am a gutless piece of shit and I’m not just fucking stable right now. It’s not an excuse but I just can’t be myself right now.

I’m not pointing finger on anyone. I’m the one at fault here. You have every right to say that and hell, I agree with you. I’m just trying to explain myself and, at my fullest, express what I’m feeling right now. I GOT HURT. I APOLOGIZE. I AM NOT BLAMING YOU. [BIG EMPHASIS on that] You two are really important to me. If you’re not, I wont bother apologizing to you, wont get hurt by your comment and wont bother explaining myself. I value you two more than how I can ever express.

I’m really sorry for a lot of things. As a concrete form of apology I’d try to bring pasta on the night that we’ll watch fireworks. I’d buy the ingredients out of my own pocket and make them on my own. I’m just not so sure how it’ll go. Maybe I should ask Ate Onchang or Mama to help me cook?

Again, I’m sorry. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday. It just reminds me of how useless I am right now. And I just can’t abruptly make myself feel useful. I’m working on it. I think I’m slowing recuperating. I’m still hopeful that I still have hope. This is just a slump. Please tolerate me until then.

I’m looking forward to seeing you two again. But please, just don’t mention a word about this, I might die of embarrassment. I thought for over half an hour whether I’ll post this or not but as you can see, I arrived at this decision. I trust that you’ll be able to tolerate this much crap.

Pardon me for the cheesiness and over emotionality of this post. /laslas

Just kidding.

“Just kidding.” If only saying that could amend everything I wrote here and make it a bit more tolerable. Even I who wrote this feel quite queasy rereading it. It’s annoying. Yeah. Sorry for that too.

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I wish I could inherit such technique.

I’m thinking of printing this and making it a bookmark.

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